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Friday, 21 March 2014

What was once....

Every time I step in the door when I get home from work, I don't dare look right. When I head towards the back door I never focus on this one area.. It is the elephant in the room, the un-talked about, the 'dont look directly at them'... what am I talking about? My trainers.

I've spoken before about my fitness loves and ultimately my love affair with running. It started all with Team Bangs on The Run - going from a complete NON-runner to someone who was running 4-5 times a week, someone who could crack out 8 miles after work - I loved it, it was me and ultimately I was sodding FIT as the proverbial butchers dog. However, fast forward to 2013 and this year and well, me and my trainers and running for that matter haven't joined forces. There is no grand reason as to why I haven't laced up, stepped outside and got with the sodding programme and just ran, no injury, no illness - just me. I am barely someone I recognise now, I find excuses in EVERYTHING as to why I shouldn't go out and run , which is weird as guess what I LOVED RUNNING. Is there a possibility me and running have ended out love? possibly not.

I get running pangs. Every time I refuse to look at the pile of running trainers by my back door I feel a sense of wanting, longing and sadness that actually, no, I cant quite bring myself to actually step out the door and run. So instead of building up the courage and just going, I walk past, shut my eyes, and walk away. So why don't I just get on with it if I want to run? the fact is I have left it a year since I've run properly, admittedly I have run little bits but nothing like I used to, and this has left me extremely unfit. I walk too fast and my legs hurt and I get a little sweaty and out of breath - I feel utterly let down by this person I have become. It doesn't even feel like me, someone has stolen my identity, my body is not my own, I am in a no fitness mist that is not clearing. I feel embarrassed - I used to bang on about running ALL THE TIME, and now if ever a conversation turns to running I shy away, I feel sick to talk about it, I feel ashamed... WHO AM I NOW?

I've been wondering for months WHY I don't just get back out there when ultimately it's pretty darn simple - its running, y'know one foot in front of the other, but the truth is I am so stupidly scared. I am scared by how unfit, I know I am going to be shocked that when I attempt to run I wont be able to run further or longer than 10 mins (I used to run for an hour at a time) I'm scared about going out in public in my running gear, I'm scared and embarrassed the excesses I now have on my body will simply bounce around too much, I'm worried I'll get too red, I'm worried the people who know me for running will be shocked at just how unfit I really am..... I feel in a running hole, one that is terribly lonely and one that has made me feel a little bit ashamed of my body and the way I look.

I'm hoping that by maybe writing this I might pluck up the courage to get 'back' to where I once was.. or do I throw the trainers out completely and admit defeat?

Have you ever been stuck in a non-fitness rut? 


Samantha | TinyPaintPot said...

I think I felt exactly the same for about a year (although I could never run for an hour). But then I realised I spent more time worrying about what I WASNT doing rather than what I could've been doing more productively with that time and energy. Quite honestly sometimes I think it's okay to just shelve hobbies for a while, until the urge comes back true & proper - because it will, because as you've said; running is a part of you. And while you have two legs that can move one in front of the other you will always be able to do it whenever you want. It's easy to get so caught up in worrying that it takes away all the joy from something you once loved, but, it's all in your head. Do it for you & forget about the rest. You don't need to post/tweet about it if you don't want to (although I'm sure whatever you do will still be awesome) but I think we can put so much unecessary pressure on ourselves & it just sucks. You can do it, you've proved that. You just need to forget your own expectations and the expectations you think others have and just go for it. You're lapping everyone on the sofa, even if you run a mile. That's further than I got today.

Go get 'em! Xx

misspond said...

I'm going through this at the moment. Having run a couple of half marathons, many 10Ks and having done some epic winter hiking I've gone to nothing. My trainers are hidden out of sight and I every time I try to get going I find an excuse to not go for that second run. I fear people seeing me in my gear mostly!
I really need to pull the band aid off and get my shoes on for a run!

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