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Thursday, 6 February 2014

That turning 30 thing..

So, it is my birthday on Sunday (9th Feb) I am turning 30. Back in August I published a blog (HERE) about the lack of things I have achieved in the run up to my 30th birthday and actually how I felt that it was ok and how I was looking forward to it... truth is, I am wrong.

With my 30th only around the corner I cant help but feel a massive loss for my twenties, oh how I wish I had tried harder, saved more, moaned less and loved me more, and now with that impending number just around the corner I cant rewind time and boy oh boy, do I know that. I am in the midst of planning my wedding, which is a great, happy,lovely thing HOWEVER, me turning 30 before this momentous occasion makes me sad. I DID have a vision for myself, and that vision was to be fully settled by 30 and with that I hoped my inner confidence would flow - I have neither of those things and despite no one else putting the pressure on, I cant help but feel I have to answer to me and I feel let down.

I have been speaking to people ALOT about their views on turning 30 and ultimately many of the people that have already turned into this age bracket, say it is not that bad and in fact their life is in a good place - I love this and I truly believe that their life IS like that, so why can't I accept those feelings for myself? I have so many things to look forward too AND life is very bright, but seriously, turning 30? I cant seem to handle it.

Would I feel better if I had the things that I thought I hadn't achieved? possibly. In truth I feel an utter guilt that I did indeed almost waste my twenties by being THAT girl: the self-conscious one, the one who couldn't accept my looks and my personality and was always striving to be something I'm not. I spent those entire 10 years worrying what others (friends, relatives, strangers) thought of me, it was a competition in my eyes, I never felt like I had friends because I wasn't as good as them, or was worthy of a true friendship - a silly thing to say I know but ultimately I was HOPING that by 30 I was more 'secure' in me... am I? no.

I have chosen to let this birthday go un-noticed, I'm not having a party, nor do I have anything planned - I want to bring in this new chapter in my life in calm, in quiet and with myself, perhaps this is the time to reflect on myself, my new aims, my new goals and how to look at improving myself to make me happier in my next adventure.

Over the next couple of days, I am going to be publishing some 'turning 30' views from various people I know which makes for interesting reading and for me, inspiration, but I'd love to hear your views: have you turned 30 and was it all it cracked up to be? are you worried about this milestone? do you feel the same as me?


Vikki Roberts said...

I turned 30 in 2010. I didn't have a big list of stuff I felt I should have done and I was fairly ok about turning 30. My 30's have been fantastic so far and although there were some great times in my 20's I don't mourn them. Since turning 30 I've been fitter, more productive and generally more secure in my self than ever.
But for my 30th birthday I did have a kids style party, with jam tarts, cheese sandwiches, party bags and games. No need to be serious about it :)

Philippa Boston said...

I have enjoyed every big milestone birthday and tried to celebrate in style. Certainly my 40th spent in NYC was everything I'd hoped for and more. The years that have got to me are the halfway through dates, I loved being 26, but turning 36 was a real challenge and I ignored it as best I could. My husband is the opposite and let his 40th go almost unnoticed ( his mother unwisely tried to organise a surprise do). I say enjoy it, life does get better in many ways, there will always be challenges but what would life be without? Celebrate, even if its just a small way - as aging is better than the alternative! Happy Birthday!

Katie Albury said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. I was really confused in the lead up to my thirtieth, but surprisingly I'm doing ok. I actually feel so much more secure and confident as a 30 year old, more than I ever did in my twenties. I did write a blog post on turning 30, if you'd like to take a look? No pressure, here's the link you decide to...

Katie x

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