So, it is my birthday on Sunday (9th Feb) I am turning 30. Back in August I published a blog (HERE) about the lack of things I have achieved in the run up to my 30th birthday and actually how I felt that it was ok and how I was looking forward to it... truth is, I am wrong.
With my 30th only around the corner I cant help but feel a massive loss for my twenties, oh how I wish I had tried harder, saved more, moaned less and loved me more, and now with that impending number just around the corner I cant rewind time and boy oh boy, do I know that. I am in the midst of planning my wedding, which is a great, happy,lovely thing HOWEVER, me turning 30 before this momentous occasion makes me sad. I DID have a vision for myself, and that vision was to be fully settled by 30 and with that I hoped my inner confidence would flow - I have neither of those things and despite no one else putting the pressure on, I cant help but feel I have to answer to me and I feel let down.
I have been speaking to people ALOT about their views on turning 30 and ultimately many of the people that have already turned into this age bracket, say it is not that bad and in fact their life is in a good place - I love this and I truly believe that their life IS like that, so why can't I accept those feelings for myself? I have so many things to look forward too AND life is very bright, but seriously, turning 30? I cant seem to handle it.
Would I feel better if I had the things that I thought I hadn't achieved? possibly. In truth I feel an utter guilt that I did indeed almost waste my twenties by being THAT girl: the self-conscious one, the one who couldn't accept my looks and my personality and was always striving to be something I'm not. I spent those entire 10 years worrying what others (friends, relatives, strangers) thought of me, it was a competition in my eyes, I never felt like I had friends because I wasn't as good as them, or was worthy of a true friendship - a silly thing to say I know but ultimately I was HOPING that by 30 I was more 'secure' in me... am I? no.
I have chosen to let this birthday go un-noticed, I'm not having a party, nor do I have anything planned - I want to bring in this new chapter in my life in calm, in quiet and with myself, perhaps this is the time to reflect on myself, my new aims, my new goals and how to look at improving myself to make me happier in my next adventure.
Over the next couple of days, I am going to be publishing some 'turning 30' views from various people I know which makes for interesting reading and for me, inspiration, but I'd love to hear your views: have you turned 30 and was it all it cracked up to be? are you worried about this milestone? do you feel the same as me?