'Swish, swish, swish....' No, I'm not going slowly mad, this is the sound of a midi skirt as it goes floating past like an angel from Heaven.
The blessed midi-skirt: with its gentle pleats that run from waist to mid calf, its floaty chiffon fabric that hugs every slim curve, it ability to create a real picture of beauty, elegance that screams of girlyness. That is until you put a size 12, 5ft-nothing, me in one.
I have gone in and out of every shop, up and down every town, stripped my clothes off and bundled them all back on, in the hope, just a tiny hope, that, you, the elusive midi skirt, will suddenly turn me into SJP a la SATC - all refined, feminine and gorgeous. To me, midi skirt, you are pretty much the panther of the skirt world: all smooth, sensual and oh so hard to contemplate. You're not like that typical Lion of the skirt world: the mini, all loud, brash and in your face, neither are you like the full length-wilderbeast-esque skirt all sensible and dull, You are one hell of a looker. When I see a female dressed in you, midi skirt, I go completely and utterly gooey eyed, I blush, giggle and often bump into things. I gawp with my mouth open: I simply can't get enough: I zone in on where you, the skirt, falls in length, check out how they're wearing you and how they styles you with shoes. I had high hopes for you Midi Skirt...
very high hopes.
Oh the midi skirt, why do you insist on making it look like you've cut my, already short and stumpy, legs in half, why do you always, always make me look like a very old, very squishy bag lady? Why do your pleats not elongate my short body but instead make me look like even wider? Why do your waistbands insist on sitting so tightly around my pot belly, creating what can only be described as, well, looking early stages pregnant....
I thought we could be friends, I thought I could shove you on with any old top and look amazing. I thought you'd be versatile: flats, heels, blazer, cardigan... little did I know that you were more like a Monet: you look good on that hanger, but on me? that's a
whole different ball game. Why do you appear in such lush, sheer fabrics that do little, or nothing to hide the copious cellulite filled legs I have...
*sigh*
I know alot of people, no matter what size, shape you are, still rock this length in all manner of sizes, but I'm sorry, I am curvy: my ass sticks out like I'm smuggling something, my stomach is neither flat nor toned and my legs are pretty much short stumps. A midi skirt is never going to propel me to midi-skirt heaven, instead ladies and gents, I am going straight to centre of hell to be charged with crimes against style. end of.
I'm sorry you couldn't fulfil my fantasy, midi-skirt, we could've been something real special... coulda, woulda, shoulda...