I'm not the busiest person in the world by no means: I have no kids, I'm not married and pretty much only have moi to look after, and yes, that
is a struggle at the best of times. I work full time, I try to hold down a blog, I go to the gym as often as I can, am in training for half-marathon and I also try to have some 'Sarah-time' which mainly involves me partaking in hobbies of my own and hopefully divulge in the elusive thing people call: Chill out time.
Repeatedly I'm being told to chill out, or schedule in some relaxing time that is
just for me. The past three weeks I've
properly been training, as in taking my fitness/running/diet seriously, I have been told just how important it is to take time off for me - to rest my body, to recuperate, to build my strength up, relax my mind. In these three weeks, I have tried at least six times to 'zone out' and you know what? I just cant sodding do it.
The first few times I tried to do it and failed miserably, I didn't think much of it - y'know it was just
one of those things, it'd get easier, la la la. well, did it heck. I have continuously tried, as hard as I can, to just take a step outside of the circle, to breathe, to relax etc etc - but should I
have to try as hard as I have been, to just get some down time? I just struggle with the whole concept of relaxing and not doing anything... and you know why? I feel guilty.
No, I haven't done anything wrong, made a mistake, hurt anyone. I just feel guilty for doing
nothing. Plain and simple. Every time I sit on the sofa, lay in bed, lean back in the bath with no laptop in front of me, no papers shuffling - I just think to myself there is probably something else in my life that I
should be doing. Now like most of you out there I pretty much spend most of my time feeling fried - I'm tired and just a little bit stressed. I normally go to the gym straight from work, get home at half seven, try to eat properly, clean the house, possibly write a blog post
and sit down, so all in all, even the sound of having a relaxing night in with the company of just me sounds pretty god damn amazing.... in theory.... In reality - not so. Even when I'm sat there, there are a million and one things whirring around in my head: I could be doing the washing, I could be ironing, I could be going out for a run, I could be writing, etc etc - this list is endless, until I end up stopping what I'm doing, which is well, nothing, and getting on with something that I, deem more worthwhile.
My life and the things I do, are not going to save lives, I know that, but for some reason I just cannot shake the feeling that I'm being lazy by doing, well, nothing. Tonight for instance - it's Wednesday and my night off from the gym and my one opportunity in the week to do absolutely
sod all, however what exactly have I done since I got home? Done two loads of washing, hoovered+mopped the house, done an hour session of weights, puts clothes away, done the washing up, danced around the living room and now write this blog post - this is not chilled. I just cannot do it.
I have tried lighting fancy shamancy candles that are supposed to emit some phantom gas that chills me out - well, I'm not being funny, but unless the candle secrets frigging sleeping gas there is no way that thing is gonna strap me down. That twinkly twankle Thai music CD, that is supposed to send me to a different zone in my head - yeah give me a bit of Guns n Roses over that any day, and lastly, running a bath and lying there, breathing in the aromatherapy oils - na, that don't work either, give me a rubber ducky instead! I just don't know what's wrong with me? if there even
is anything wrong with me?! But all I know, is that it is a real struggle for me to not do anything without feeling so full of guilt. I was never aware that I put myself under pressure in my life, but perhaps that is what I'm doing - putting myself under this invisible pressure to just keep going - it is impossible and I'm pretty sure sooner or later, I will
have to just take time out, but until I learn how to not feel like the incredible lazy-ass lady, I'm not sure I can just take this so-called time out.
How do you all feel? Do you have a
relaxation schedule? Is there any hope for me?
*photos courtesy of weloveit.com*